Every February, we get to read new versions of the same old article about aphrodisiac foods. This year’s Love Drugs parade did not disappoint. I think that by far, my favorite article was Vegetarian Times’ “Feast of Love,” which pictured a group of four enjoying a romantic dinner of Roasted Vegetable Linguine with Fresh Torn Basil, Feta-Stuffed Peppadews, Pineapple-Fennel Salad with Ginger-Sesame Dressing, Crispy Kale Leaves, and Chocolate-Nutmeg Pots de Crème.

The pictures are the best part. Models trying to look dewy-eyed and, yes, love-drugged, as they gesture to the serving platters and lift forks to each other’s mouths. They appear to be in a house with glass walls, as well. It’s nearing sunset. Of course.

Quite appropriately, the following article is about five different ways to prepare oats, encouraging the reader to “Rekindle your relationship with a heart-healthful favorite.” Yeah, I know they mean one’s relationship with oats, but come on—I can’t be the only one imagining the Feast of Love folks waking up on the living room floor, covered in baby oil or something and saying, “Hey, guys, let’s go make some oats! Happy love!”

While I believe that if you eat well and take care of yourself, you’re bound to have better stamina and enjoy overall, um, benefits, I don’t think there are any magic foods that can suddenly turn your average Joe into a sex machine (check out this NYTimes article on the subject). The only genuine aphrodisiac I’d associate with a meal is one’s mate offering to run you a bath so you can relax while they do the dishes.

I considered writing a parody article, complete with recipes like baked asparagus (thought to “stir up lust”) with almonds (which can evoke arousal in women) and ginger (stimulates the circulatory system so the blood flows efficiently to you know where!), and figs (a powerful female sex symbol) stuffed with tapenade, but I just couldn’t get my act together.

However, if you want to make the soft pink dessert tacos that just weren’t subtle enough, it’s very easy:

*In a bowl or food processor, blend together 1/3 cup low-fat ricotta, a handful of raspberries, a teaspoon of vanilla, and sugar to taste.
*Heat two small soft tortillas in a skillet in a little butter or put in the oven to warm up. Sprinkle brown sugar on the inside.
*Spread the ricotta-raspberry mixture down the center of each tortilla and fold over as you would a taco.
*Broil for one minute
*Garnish with dark chocolate shavings (optional)

Last year, Chris and I stayed home and cooked, and we talked about doing that again this year, but we decided to make reservations at Pure Food and Wine instead.

This morning I fueled up with what I’ll call the “Brangelina Special”: Oats with bananas cooked in, along with a little cocoa powder and then topped with cinnamon and a spoonful of almond butter. I got my B-vitamins, potassium (both good for sex hormone production), phallic symbolism, passion-inducing-nut flavor, and feel-good chemicals all in one shot.

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